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  WE TOOK THIS FAMILY PHOTO RIGHT AFTER THE WILL READING—AND NO ONE WAS SMILING FOR REAL

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  HE TOOK ME TO THE DANCE—BUT HIS EX SHOWED UP IN THE SAME DRESS

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  HE WAITED 47 YEARS TO TELL ME THE TRUTH—AND HE CHOSE A BASEBALL GAME TO DO IT

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  THEY SMILED FOR THIS PHOTO—RIGHT AFTER RUINING MY MOM’S FUNERAL

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  MY DOG SAVED ME FROM A FIRE—AND I’LL NEVER STOP OWEING HIM

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  SHE CRITICIZED ME NONSTOP—THEN HAD THE NERVE TO SIT BACK AND SMILE

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  I DIDN’T THINK I’D SMILE AGAIN—BUT THEN SHE SHOWED UP

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  SHE MADE MY BIRTHDAY ALL ABOUT HER—AGAIN

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  SHE DIDN’T LEAVE HIS SIDE—NOT ONCE

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  HE STOLE MY RECIPE, TOOK THE CREDIT, AND NOW HE’S GETTING AN INTERNSHIP I NEEDED TO SURVIVE

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  SHE SAID “NO DOGS IN MY HOUSE”—NOW HE FOLLOWS HER EVERYWHERE

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  WE GOT KICKED OUT OF A CHILI COOK-OFF FOR LAUGHING TOO HARD (AND MAYBE BECAUSE OF THE INCIDENT WITH THE LADLE)