When it comes to living with your parents, it’s generally ‘their house, their rules’. After all, they’re putting a roof over your head, feeding you, and paying for everything. But what should a parent do if the rules are being blatantly disregarded?
For one woman, she’s had enough of her son’s girlfriend who he decided to move into her house. She claims the woman is a bad influence on her son, as well as rude to her. Desperate, she’s turned to Mumsnet for advice.
Family Friction Reaches a Boiling Point
Her son, in his early twenties and still living at home, decided to move his girlfriend in with them. At first, this single mom didn’t mind, but over several months she’s come to regret the decision deeply.
A Mistake Realized
After several months of them living rent-free and like slobs, the mom realized she’d made a huge mistake by letting the verbally abusive girlfriend move in.
Setting Up for Failure
OP begins her story by telling the community that she’s a single mother whose 20-something son decided to move his girlfriend into her home. She adds that she didn’t mind too much at first but has since realized what a huge mistake she made. During yet another shouting match about their untidiness and general lack of responsibility, her son’s girlfriend unleashed a verbal tirade at OP, calling her unrepeatable names. OP says she’s had enough of her attitude, especially since the young couple has been living on her dime for months.
Afraid to Lose Both
Despite telling the girlfriend to leave her house, the couple just ignores her, with her son typically siding with his partner. OP adds that she’s not physically strong enough to throw them out and is afraid to do so anyway because her son has violent tendencies. Helpless, she turned to Mumsnet for advice on how to get the horrible woman out of her house.
Setting Boundaries with Adult Children
It doesn’t seem like there were any ground rules put in place before the son moved his girlfriend in with them. There’s certainly no respect for OP’s boundaries, either.
In her article for Healthline, Stephanie Orford writes that, if your adult children are living at home, you’re part of a growing crowd. About 1 in 3 Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 live with their parents, according to the U.S. Census Bureau data from 2021.
Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist and founder of TriBeCa Therapy, says that, if you’re living with adult children, it’s typical to experience conflict around lifestyle and other factors, because the rules you had when they were teenagers probably don’t apply anymore.
Lundquist offers four tips for parents on setting boundaries with their adult kids. Firstly, communicate as soon as possible, talking sooner and more transparently and with greater clarity than most people think is necessary.
Next up, discuss potential future problems and solutions. These might include conflicts about money, shared space, chores, and expectations around having a partner in the home. Further, write down the agreed-upon boundaries and put them in an email or post them on the fridge so that they’re there for everyone to reference. Taking this practical step can help avoid conflict down the line.
In her article for Rest Less, Leigh Spencer writes that, whether your adult child is still living at home or has moved back in with you, it can be helpful to discuss what their future plans are – including how long they plan to live with you.
Having this info at hand can not only help you feel better prepared, but also provide your child with a realistic goal to work towards.
This can prevent a situation where the adult child feels accustomed to the idea of not moving out, while encouraging them to take the steps needed towards becoming independent – for example, by creating a budget plan or getting a permanent job.
Seeking Solutions
What would you do if you found yourself in OP’s situation? Should she try to establish some clear ground rules, or give them both the boot? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
Readers Weigh In
In the comments, most community members agreed it was time to change the locks and kick the ungrateful couple out so that they can make their own way.
I’m always disappointed to read these posts. “I want the girlfriend to leave, but my son to stay, but if I take action, he might leave…” Focus on what you can control—you don’t want to be taken advantage of and disrespected in your own home. Have the girlfriend removed, and if the son leaves that is his decision. It’s better to have peace and respect for yourself in your home, and your son off living his own life, than to continue with things the way they are. In the long run, they will either both leave anyway, or the situation will escalate.
If you do not get up the courage to take action now, you may still be in this same situation ten years from now, possibly worse if they start having children. It might feel like the hardest thing you have ever done, but tough love for your son may be the best thing you can do for him. You might try counseling for yourself, to build up your confidence and gain the tools you need to do what you know needs to be done.
In my opinion, this situation is a tightrope walk between protecting your home and maintaining a relationship with your son. However, self-respect and peace in your own home must come first. With firm boundaries and honest communication, it is possible to turn this situation around, but actions must be taken quickly before it deteriorates further.
