I didn’t always give them this choice.
Thinking back to my teenage years, I remember how much I disliked being dragged to family events. I often preferred spending time with friends or curling up with a good book in solitude. Some days, socializing just wasn’t on my list, but I had no choice but to go along. My parents would bombard me with questions about my “bad mood,” or ask if something was wrong.
Most of the time, nothing was wrong — I simply didn’t want to be there. Explaining my lack of sociability was tough, and I felt the sting of teenage anxiety knowing I was missing out on fun with friends.
I’ve decided not to put my kids through the same ordeal. They should be free to spend their time in ways that make them happy. By letting them make their own choices about family and social events, I hope to teach them the importance of intentional time use. I want them to understand it’s okay to decline invitations to things they’d rather not do. Feeling obligated to please others is something I’ve also struggled with, and it’s not a habit I want them to form.
I want my teens to know they don’t need an elaborate story or a white lie to cancel plans or decline an invitation. This past Easter, two of my kids joined me at my mom’s for dinner, while my oldest son went four-wheeling with friends. I was perfectly fine with that.
When they were younger, I didn’t always give them this choice. I’d bring them along to events and often it ended poorly. I’d feel disheartened if they were quiet or disengaged, and they’d remind me that they never wanted to go in the first place.
I eventually realized that taking them to events when they didn’t want to be there, and expecting them to suddenly be happy, wasn’t fair.
My teenagers either work full-time or juggle school and part-time jobs. They all drive and yearn for the same freedoms we all desired as we approached adulthood. Forcing them to attend family gatherings or other events when they’re not up for it never worked. They’re also aware that I couldn’t physically force them as they’re all bigger and stronger now.
Interestingly, giving them this freedom means there are few events they actually choose to skip. They wouldn’t dream of missing important life events like funerals or weddings. They cherish being part of a community and family but also value their autonomy.
They’re at an age where they can decide where they want to be. And I’ve found that respecting their choices is far easier than talking them into doing things they don’t want to do.
Katie lives in Maine with her three kids, two ducks, and a Goldendoodle. When she’s not writing, she’s reading, at the gym, redecorating her home, or spending too much money online.
