1. “After a long day, my favorite thing is to think of something for dinner that everyone will eat.” —No mother, ever

2. I’d love to be a Pinterest mom, but it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.

3. Showering as a mom should be an Olympic sport: Everyone’s yelling your name, you have to beat the clock, and you rarely win a medal.

4. I hate when I’m waiting for Mom to cook dinner—and then I remember I am Mom.

5. I live in constant fear of having to share a “fun fact” about me.

6. I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for opening her granola bar from the top instead of the bottom. I don’t know what I was thinking.

7. Mom’s casseroles come in two sizes: not enough and enough to feed an army with leftovers.

8. Have you heard the urban legend about what happens when you scream “Mom” three times in the shower? A nice lady appears with the towel you forgot.

9. I love all my children equally. Except for the one who sleeps. I love that one more.

10. Mom’s recipe for iced coffee: Have kids. Make coffee. Forget you made coffee. Put it in the microwave. Forget you put it in the microwave. Drink it cold.