Howdy folks! Gather ’round because Aunt Mary has some rib-tickling, down-to-earth wisdom to share with y’all today. Now, you might think you know a thing or two about bed sheets, but I hate to break it to you—there’s a good chance you’re doin’ it all wrong! Stick around, even if you think you’ve got it all sorted out, and maybe—just maybe—you’ll learn a thing or two before the rooster crows.

1. The Laundry Shuffle: How Often Are You Washing Those Sheets?

Ladies and gents, let’s get one thing straight. Your bed isn’t just a cozy spot to lay your head; it’s also a haven for all the creepy crawlies and sweaty messes we carry to bed every night. If I had a penny for every time I heard someone say they wash their sheets once a month, I’d be richer than a televangelist on Sunday! Trust Aunt Mary when I tell you, you oughta be washing those sheets at least every two weeks. Don’t let those woke environmentalists guilt you into cutting back on your cleanliness.

2. The Detergent Delusion: Less Is More, Folks!

From the looks of it, many of you are drowning your sheets in detergent. Contrary to popular belief, more soap doesn’t equal cleaner sheets. It just leaves a residue that irritates your skin and attracts dirt like a magnet. Use a moderate amount, and make sure it’s rinsed out well. Trust me, your sheets—and your skin—will thank you.

3. The Fabric Fiasco: Cotton Isn’t Always King

Now, I get it. We all love our good ol’ American cotton. But it turns out, not all cotton is created equal. If you’ve got a bunch of low-thread count sheets, you’re going to be wrestling with sandpaper more than you’re snuggling in softness. Splurge a little on those high-thread count sheets, or even consider branching out to a set of bamboo or linen sheets. Change can be good, y’all—just not the kind some of these woke folks are pushing, bless their hearts.

4. The Tight Wad: Fitting Sheets Properly Matters

Alright, friends, let’s talk about fitted sheets. The bane of many a boomer’s existence, I know. But I’m here to tell you, getting those corners tight and snug isn’t just for the neatnicks. Loose sheets are a recipe for a sleepless night and potential bedlum. Tug those corners tight enough to snap a penny off ’em, and you’ll sleep like a baby in town for a veterans’ parade.

5. The Pillowcase Predicament: Matching Matters, Folks

I’ve seen some pillowcases that look like they were plucked from another planet. Folks, your pillowcases should match your sheets not just in color, but in quality and fabric type. It’s the little things that count, and this small detail can elevate your bed from looking like a hodgepodge to a harmonious haven.

6. The Seasonal Snare: Swap Those Sheets!

Don’t be that person who uses the same heavy flannel sheets in July that they do in January. Friends, our forefathers didn’t fight for our freedoms just for us to ignore common sense. Lighter sheets for summer, heavier for winter. It’s as simple as apple pie, and just as sweet when done right.

7. The Overlooked Underlay: Mattress Pads and Their Benefits

Many folks forget about their mattress pads, if they even have them. Think of it this way: a mattress pad is the unsung hero of your bedding ensemble. Not only does it provide an extra layer of comfort, it also protects your mattress. If your mattress pad is older than your grandkids, it’s high time for an upgrade!

8. The Fancy Fad: Do You Really Need That Many Throw Pillows?

Oh lordy, if I had a digital dollar for every ridiculous throw pillow I see perched on beds these days! Do we really need a dozen pillows just to unceremoniously dump them on the floor come bedtime? Simplicity, my friends, simplicity. A couple of good pillows for your weary head is all ya need. Plus, fewer pillows means fewer things to wash. It’s a win-win.

You’ve made it to the end! Feelin’ enlightened or just plain entertained? Either way, Aunt Mary’s proud of ya. Remember, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if your sheets are made of Egyptian cotton or Tibetan yak wool, so long as you’re comfortable and resting easy. God bless America, and God bless a good night’s sleep.