Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time.

Whether it’s the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor.

“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” – Tim Vine

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay – it’s in my jeans.

“The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.” – Milton Jones

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.” – Tim Vine

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’” – Tim Vine

“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Ken Dodd

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’” – Tim Vine

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.’” – Tim Vine

“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’” – Tim Vine

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” – Tom Ward

How does NASA organise a party? They planet.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

“My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.” – Sarah Millican

“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

“I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.” – Ken Dodd

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

“I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

“Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.” – Bill Bailey

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.

“Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.” – Andrew Lawrence

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” – Matt Kirshen

Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.’” – Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.” – Milton Jones

“Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!” – Milton Jones

I hate Russian dolls… so full of themselves!

“Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.” – Harry Hill

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”

“You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.” – Milton Jones

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” – Dan Antolpolski